


SBPD vs Spirits

by Jacinta



Category: Psych
Genre: Crack, Humor, Water Fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-08-21
Packaged: 2017-12-24 04:51:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacinta/pseuds/Jacinta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is hot. Shawn has possibly gone mad and kidnapped the Chief and Lassiter leaving Juliet and McNabb to wage war to rescue them. How many people will be dragged into the insanity? Will the really end in lollypops, ice cream and muffins like Shawn predicted?</p>
            </blockquote>





	SBPD vs Spirits

**Author's Note:**

> I am so not used to writing things this silly so please give me feedback. I was at work and it was hot so I planned a neighbourhood waterfight. I said 'think like Shawn' and this fic started a weekend of hilarious insanity in my street.

"Shawn, no." Juliet stilled on her way to the bathroom, listening to Gus around the corner. "Do you really think this could end in anything but us in handcuffs, possibly in hospital, and someone in a mourge?" Gus asked upgrading Juliet's curiosity from vague interest to an intense need to know.

"Gus, friend, there are some things not even I am meant to know in advance." Shawn replied, slightly distracted. "More importantly I expect this to end with Lassiter sucking a lollipop, you either running and screaming or eating Juliet's muffin. The possibility of ice cream and silly strings is there." Shawn explained patiently.

"I don't say this often, and I've supported a lot of crazy decisions but Shawn, this is insane."

"That is where you are wrong my sweet Magic Head, this is sane. What's insane is that I have to resort to such a drastic measure."

"I'm sorry, I have to go to work." Gus said cooly.

"Cmon Gus, it'll be fun! Don't make me do this alone, I need my partner in crime. My Mungojerrie, my JARVIS, my amazing Blue Brother."

"Disembodied British voice?"

"I was thinking voice of reason, plus Robert Downey Jr has toatally awesome hair much like me."

"You owe me." Gus caved.

"Big time buddy. Now you go into jackle mode, tell me when everyone is in place." Juliet scurried back the way she came, impatient and curious to see what hijinks the two were up to this time.

 

Just as she decided to warn Lassiter that a surprise was coming she saw Gus slinking away from the ballpen and made her way to a hopefully safe corner. Scanning the room suspiciously she turned the kettle on as cover. Just as she was deciding maybe she'd gotten a little paranoid the lights went off, computers creating spots of hazy light while the blinds created stripes of clear light. Unexpectedly a muted chaos broke out as officers went to secure exits, check the cells and check the power.

 

It didnt take long for everyone to conclude that it was almost certainly a problem with the switches, not a criminal attack of any kind and relax. Which of course is when everything went mad again. A figure clad completely in black dropped from the ceiling onto Lassiter's desk, catching the man and holding a gun to his head.

"Compadre!" the figure yelled and Lassiter spun around to face him.

"Spencer?" He yelled. "What in the name of sweet justice are you doing?"

"Instigating a war because it is hot outside and humour needs to be lifted." He replied cheerfully.

"Mr Guster!" The Chief cried before failing to know how to respond to a similarly dressed Gus holding a gun to her head.

"We have your head detective and Chief, will you mere mortals battle to save them?" Shawn asked, jumping off the desk and prodding Lassiter towards the door.

"We are few but we are mighty." Gus declared making the Chief follow. Soon the four were at the doors. Gus led the two outside leaving Shawn to dace the confused masses.

"Dear crime fighters you cannot hope to catch Psychman and Jackle. Soon your two finest will be ours!" Shawn declared dramatically to the confused crowd. "If you wish to pit your strength against us you will need to follow the clues. Though I suspect you will not get far, your guns now squirt water!" He cackled and swished his cape, running out of the station immediately.

 

"Detective O'Hara?" Buzz asked her as the lights flickered back on. "What just happened?" She was about to reply that she had no idea when she noticed paper in the bottom of the cup she was holding, quickly reading it she smiled.

"It's a waterfight. He's left us arms and appropriate ammunition to play. Apparently we win when he is killed." Juliet explained in a loud voice so others could hear. One of the rookies moved over to a window to check his gun and was hit in the face by a jet of water. Outside someone could be heard yelling "headshot! Muhahahahaha! I win!" and crashing through the bushes.

 

Stealthily a few officers crept up to the windows, drawing the blinds. Juliet quickly checked her own gun, surprised to find that it wasn't quite hers, for one it was plastic. Working on a sneaking suspicion of Shawn’s sneakiness she fired it at the ceiling, grinning as her arm got wet.

"Okay listen up!" She roared. "McNabb!" Lassiter impersonations worked for getting attention. "You will check the armoury, I suspect everything is water. Everyone check your guns, if it seems like plastic check it on the firing range. I suggest bathroom trips now too. You have ten minutes!" She grinned as everyone scurried to do as ordered.

 

Ten minutes later Juliet stood up again, her plan almost ready to put into action. “First you will divest yourself of any and all electronic or water-sensitive devises. If you wish to change your shirt do so immediately because you will get wet." She cautioned as officers chuckled "Smith and Curtis will hand out the water-proof vests and helmets, make sure these are secure. Feehan will hand out ammunition.” She paused looking down at her people. "There are two types of refills you’ll get, only red water is a kill shot." another pause for dramatic effect. "We are dealing with highly trained professionals, do not assume you are safe. Cover each other and don't go off alone." No one was chuckling any more, the mood solemn as they prepared for war. "If you have a kill-shot on one of the fugatives take it. Alright, arm up and prepare for assault." She yelled and everyone started silently emptying pockets, changing shirts and lining up for protection. “Weeks and King with me.” She ordered and marched into the Chief’s office.

On the desk there were four swords and four dry cleaners bags. “You’re my chain of command, apparently we get special gear.” She said picking up the first two bags and handing the one labeled ‘Nabby’ to McNabb. All four started suiting up in the surprisingly nice suits.

Hers had a badge labeled ‘Chief O’Hara’ and was decorated with gold stripes. The high necked and form fitting vest seemed to be the base of her outfit. A flap covered the buttons that attached the knee length panels that overlapped to make a skirt. Next came the upper arm guards, connected to a frill on the shoulder with a golden ribbon. The vambraces were intricately embroidered with golden thread in a pattern that wouldn’t make sense until Shawn explained it to her. Leggings slid over her pants, clipping to her vest with gold ribbons as well. Finally she secured the sword sheath and gun holster belts and the Spiderman-like canisters attached to her vambraces and fingers. Ammo pouches were incorporated into the design and subtle enough that she didn’t appear to be carrying at least an extra liter or two of water. Leaving the office she pulled on her helmet, complete with a detachable veil to better guard against head shots.

Buzz didn’t appear to be as lucky. His ‘extra’ came in the form of a Xena-style skirt with similar arm guards decorated in silver. His had a badge saying ‘Head Detective’ which almost sent Juliet into fits of laughter as she imagined Lassiter’s response to that. The two other officers had a similar though plain form of the same costume.

"He really planned ahead, swapping all of our gear and planning how to get Detective Lassiter to play along." Buzz said as they admired themselves in the window.

"Plus these tailored suits and whatever he has outside." She muttered somewhat aprehensive.

"Time for war Chief?" Buzz asked with a smile and Juliet beamed back at him. The new ‘Head Detective’ handed her a miniature megaphone that would clip onto her belt.

"Listen up troops." Juliet said using her megaphone to be heard. "Remember who we are fighting, do not let your guard down and protect each other. Remember only red water kills. Move out" She cried and an orderly stampede proceded out the doors.

 

The first four officers were sniped with clear water by an unseen assailent upon exiting the building and Shawn's voice rang out.

"So you have decided to fight me. When you die, move to the area around Lassiter’s car where the dead gather." Shawn chuckled darkly. "Your leader may challenge me to regain the souls of the fallen. If she dare." The parking lot fell silent as officers moved to secure the area.

"Shawn Spencer and associates, if you surrender peacefully you may live." She returned. A battle cry indicated a few rookies found Lassiter and two cried out in frustration as they were sprayed red. Resigned they made their way to the 'dead zone'. The two either side of Juliet fell dramatically, moaning and twitching as they 'died'. High-fiving they got up and ran to the dead zone a second later. All of a sudden three battle cries came from all around as they were rushed by the Chief, Lassiter and Gus who were wearing full suits of white armor and wielding swords and guns. Juliet parried Lassiter, flipping her face guard down.

"What did he do to you?" She asked curious how Shawn had convinced these two to play along. He blocked her attack and fired at her hip.

"Apparently I'm dead and the dead can only be killed by holy water and swords." Lassiter grinned back as she dodged his blade, jumping backwards.

"Holy water?" She asked making him jump back.

"Red rounds." he explained. "Shawn turns your dead against you, and they must all die before he can, if you beat him the he must return three souls." they clashed, moving back and forth every few strikes. Juliet focused on the play fighting so she wouldn’t laugh at the serious way Lassiter was speaking about the most complex water fight in the history of water fights.

"He put a lot of work into this." She marveled dropping and swingig at his feet, Lassiter jumped over her attack.

"Wait until you see his weapons." She parried again and he sighed. "O'Hara, you might want to warn your troops." He fled and she looked around to see that five of her men had donned 'Xena' like white skirts and were returning fire.

"Officers! Only red holy water can kill the ghosts of our fallen friends." She yelled into her megaphone and a general round of slightly maniacal laughter rose around the car park.   

 

Within five minutes the normally mature and serious officers of law that made Santa Barbara a safe place were in full out combat mode against each other, cackling madly as they all got soaked, red water being saved for the 'spirits' by her side and the 'blackcoats' by Shawn's. Occasionally she would spar with him, winning or escaping each time as she tried to reclaim troops. The Chief was installing fear in many hearts as her sneak attacks claimed many and Lassiter was... well, being Lassiter. O'Hara was doing much the same, having found that 'fatal' hits returned her soldiers to her side. Shawn was no where to be seen but everyone understood that if you didn't see your shooter, it was probably the psychic.

 

It was quickly discovered that interesting and fun weapons were hidden in the carpark. Buzz was found swinging a 'mace' with a water balloon attached and Lassiter played with a crossbow  that no one could figure out. A few shields were discovered though the grew limp after a few shots and had to be discarded. Throwing 'stars' of water flew and mini catapults were fired. Even strawberry flavoured 'poisonous holy water' was found in the barrels of drinking water. Chaos broke out, in an organized manner of course, they were law enforcement officials. Organized only because red water was never fired at a fellow team member, otherwise it was friendly fire chaos.

 

Half an hour after war broke out everyone was thoroughly soaked and most had switched teams at least three times. Shawn had been seen, and wet but so far no holy water or swords had touched him. The press arrived and Shawn managed to recruit several of them to join in somehow. He offered them vests and the standard guns before killing them and passing out the white skirts of the ‘dead’ while explaining the fairly simple rules.

 

An hour after war broke out Juliet finally fell, slain in glorious battle with Shawn. Aside from the press Shawn had recruited a doctor, a group of twenty children and their two teachers, three businessmen, one theif who they'd been tracking (and Lassiter was now arresting), a stripper (who was still PG), a rollerskating waitress, a zookeeper and a monkey. Oh and Woody had an army of coroners who guided the dead and helped Shawn raise them. Shawn had technically won but when a ice cream truck driver offered free soft serves or ice blocks everyone was considered a winner.

 

As they ate their ice creams Juliet and Shawn watched over the tired but happy crowd below. "Okay Shawn, but where are our guns, and everything from the armoury that you replaced?" Juliet asked making Shawn grin like a pink and purple cat.

"I sense that everything is nearby and perfectly safe. Everyones shooty killy guns are labelled and in interrogation room one. You will never know how I convinced them both to play along and yo will never know how these vests and armour suits were made."

"Shawn." Gus sat beside him almost inturrupting. "Lassiter has no lollipop, I have no muffin and no other delicious snacks were involved. He informed and Juliet giggled. “I’ll give you the ice cream but that’s it.” Without blinking Shawn produced a muffin from no where and shoved it in Gus' mouth. Indignantly he pulled it out and studied the muffin, the wrapper did indeed indicate it was Juliet's. 

"Very funny Shawn but Lassiter still isn't sucking a lollipop." Gus frowned as they watched Lassiter almost _skip_ out of the building. Juliet managed to control her giggling by the time Lassiter made his way over, more accurately she was holding her ribs and trying to breath. Walking behind the bench and leaning over Shawn’s head he opened his mout to say something but found instead the tip of a huge swirly lollypop in his mouth. Removing it indignantly he spoke.

"O'Hara why are you laughing at me?" was what came out instead of whatever he was planning to say. She just shook her head as Gus dissolved into laughter leaving Shawn, for a change, as the sensible looking one. "Spencer what is going on?" Lassiter demanded unable to find the anger he would normally have at this sort of scene; Spencer being the only sensible looking person was enough to give him nightmares.

"Oh Lassie, sit with us and enjoy your lollypop." Shawn instructed and surprisingly Lassiter did sit down next to his partner, licking his sweet, occasionally sucking. Eventually they changed clothes and returned to work, Shawn and Gus disappearing in their slightly disarming manner as the guns were found and distributed to their correct owners.

 

* * *

 

The next day Henry growled when the front page of his paper had five photos of the SBPD and Shawn with the following article.

**Sensing War**

_Jacinta Jacka_

Local psychic detective Shawn Spencer is known best for using his gift to help our local police catch criminals however yesterday the normally friendly man revealed his dark nature. While this somewhat eccentric confirmed bachalor is normally a force of levity even at a grisly crime scene yesterday he was working on the other side of the law.

 

First he and his compatriot Großkira von Doom abducted the Chief of Police, Karen Vick and Head Detective Carlton Lassiter at gun point from inside the police station. War was soon declared between the two sides, Detective Juliet O'Hara and Officer Buzz McNabb leading their fellow officers in an attack against Mr Spencer who raised an army of spirits to fight for him.

 

Half an hour into the battle and we arrived on scene.  Almost immediately my crew was drawn into the fray and killed, brought back to fight against Detective O’Hara who valiantly fought to reclaim our souls and the souls of her fallen officers. With fatal shots being decided by the color or flavour of the water friendly no fatal fire was common ensuring that even those with full body armor were truly soaked.

 

Weapons available included things such as grenades, land mines, pistols, catapults, maces, poison, flame throwers, and swords for the four generals on either side. There was a sniper present, though no one could discern where the deadly water came from or who was responsible for the long range water attacks.  For further information on how to created these weapons of wetting look to the newspapers website.

 

After an hour of intense fighting and recruiting the strangest collection of passing people the living fell, Detective O'Hara holding on until the very end, fighting the mastermind Spencer himself. She was tragically slain by his sword, ending the battle.

 

Inside sources are not revealing who created the special armor used by both sides, nor is there any indication of who left weapons of mass soaking hidden around the area. All we know for sure us that everything was planned, armor and weapons provided for the school children, various professionals and a monkey who were drawn into the skirmish.

 

As the sun beat down at the end, everyone recapped moments of valor while enjoying a free ice cream provided by the local Mr Whippy. While a water fight this elaborate is unlikely to break out again this summer you can expect children to repeat this game at home, albeit on a lesser scale.”

**Author's Note:**

> Oh and if anyone wants an artistic challenge I can explain the images I imagine would be attached to the article.


End file.
